Confessions of an Unrested Mind
Nov 5, 2009
Some people can have 6 children, but Angelina Jolie I am not. I can barely manage and parent the one that I have and I am up in the middle of the night thinking of all the challenges, anxieties and fears I have of taking on another. Aren't tabloids suppose to make me wish I was thinner and prettier and had more money, but now they have crossed the line-because they are affecting my view of Motherhood. That nagging thought that Angelina Jolie has 6 kids and is still so rockin', Jennifer Lopez has twins and Heidi Klum...well, isn't it enough that she is a Victoria Secret model?So, the sad humor in my current state is that I tell and attempt to teach a 3 yr old ALL day that selfishnish is a bad thing. But, the irony is what is keeping me up are my own selfish fears. I want to cuddle up in my selfish blanket and make it all about me. I am scared that I will disappear while caring for 2 small children. You are probably thinking that it might be a good thing for my "personality" be dialed down a bit and if it takes 2 children to do it, than so be it. Your probably right but it looks like a scary process. I am pretty nervous about being a waitress too two small children. One has me running ragged already. Am I going to become a complete domestic mess? I am already the inventory keeper, the grocery shopper, the uber scheduler, the occasional cook (I married well in that department), the picker upper, the stay at home Mom, the family researcher, and a lot of other stuff that I can't think of right now. These are not classes I took at school or skills I acquired in the working world. These are skills that I learned by trial and error and a certain amount of heartache. The school of hard knocks is hard and I don't want anymore homework.
I keep telling myself that I need to hunker down and be unselfish and after a few years I will be through it and I can snuggle back up in my selfishness. Sad but true. But, my Mom is a glaring example that it never ends. My Mom is here and she has been here for nearly 2 weeks. She is here being as unselfish as any human being can be AND being pleasant through it. Talk about setting the bar high. My stomach is churning just thinking about it. Oh, nevermind that is just the baby squirming. I am a few days from jumping off a cliff into a whole different experience of Motherhood and all I want to do is be a baby myself. That is not a good sign of what is to come. If their were standardized testing for Motherhood, I wonder how I would do. The SAT of Motherhood. It makes me smile just thinking about what sort of questions would be on such a test.
Well, I have to go shave my legs again. I am so nervous about going into labor and being that sad cow with hairy legs. Selfish and surface I know, but the truth just the same. I am considering carrying a razor around in my purse, so I have it “just in case”. Then the contents of my purse would be crayons, coloring book, purrell, lipstick, thank you cards, wallet and razor. Wow, that is kinda scary. Can you imagine if I get pulled over for a speeding ticket and I am trying to find my wallet and license and I pull out my Lady Shick. Would the cop bring me to the station or take pity on me?
I clearly need more sleep! :)but that won't happen because a certain 3 year old just woke up... I curse daylight savings time!
And here is a picture that Kai took of me yesterday. He even directed me and told me that he wanted me by the plant. He amazes me!
About Me, Kat
I have always been drawn to the camera. Photography is such an interesting blend of technical know how and capturing heart felt emotion.
The challenge is to flawlessly do both, in a split second before the moment passes.
Everyday and every moment is an opportunity to learn to live and shoot better.