But through all that tinsel covered excitement, I have to admit that there is a lot of hurt and sadness. Fighting back tears and trying to stay strong is not what I had in mind for Christmas. Well, last night I lost the fight and the tears spilled over and ran like a river. And, they are still going. 

Let me backtrack. A huge piece of the Christmas's gone by was my Dad, our traditions, and being together as a family - singing songs at the top of our lungs, picking out the Christmas tree, just being together. Well--that has all changed, and it hurts a TON. Now, instead, I miss my Dad so much that it can be hard for me to breathe, hard to stop the tears and deal with the shock and disbelief that things are like they are. We have only talked three times in the last two years and when we have have, it didn't go very well. Some how, he isn't interested in being in a relationship with me anymore. I have tried, but the only way that it is going to work is if I can forget about the HUGE hurts without even acknowledging the part he has played in them, let alone working through it together.

If you know me, then you know that I don't avoid pink elephants in the room. I want to, I need to, work through things in order to be able to truly move on. I can't pretend like it is all fine while my heart is broken. I have chosen to be true to myself and not cave in. I am worth more than that. My hurts should be acknowledged, my heart break should be noticed. Not just swept under the Christmas tree and asked to keep on as if nothing ever happened. I hope I don't do that to Kai, or Trav for that matter. Life has some major hurts in it and when they come I hope I can be there for the people I love and help them to work through the hurt. Especially when I am the one that caused it.

All this to say, Christmas can be a hard time of year for some. I don't want to act like everything is perfect in my camp, because it's not. I do have a lot to be gr8phul for and I AM, but I am no Martha Stewart. It isn't all perfect and tidy. Come to think of it, she is not so perfect either--Martha Stewart spent some time in the slammer. :) 

Today, Trav went to church and met with our Transparents group alone. I hid away because I just couldn't stop the tears and I didn't want to be a downer. But, Trav came back and told me that our Sunday school group talked about family traditions, and some people were, well – Transparent. They talked about their struggles at Christmas, and a few people even cried. Thank goodness for that group! I am so encouraged by their authenticity--even if it was from afar this time. 

To all the people who are crying in their eggnog this year. I am with you. If you want to sit next to me, I can relate. 

Thank goodness God is the best Father of all. I know he will never forsake me. He will never choose anyone over me. No Matter what! He loves me so much, that he sacrificed his precious son, so that we could be together forever. That is what Christmas is all about. I know I am loved.

Trav took this picture. Nice huh? It is a reminder that we all have mountains to climb and were just doing the best we can..

And, if my Dad is reading this, your little girl misses you like Crazy. Every time I hear Josh Groban singing I get choked up. I miss you, and your Grandson is a one in a million. I mean that! How you have put someone higher than that, I can never understand. But I still love you! Merry Christmas!